Intense Insane In Love, страница 1
INTENSE INSANE IN LOVE
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Intense Insane In Love
Copyright © 2012 by SD Becca
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This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.
Intense Insane In Love
Published by SD Becca
All rights reserved and © by SD Becca. No parts of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner of this book. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Intense Insane In Love
Copyright © 2012 by SD Becca
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More books by SD Becca
Intense Insane In Love II
In approximately fifteen minutes it'll be ten o'clock and we will officially be late for Carol's annual Christmas party. I am not really in the partying mood, but Carol is expecting us and this is tradition. Robert and I go every year, that's actually how we met. If I had skipped that party five years ago, how different my life would now be.
"Are you ready?" Robert asks appearing at the bathroom doorway.
I don't bother looking at him. "Almost, just have to finish my make-up."
"You don't need it. You're just as beautiful without it."
"Liar," I laugh. "It's Kari that has the flawless skin, don't you think?"
He pauses for a few seconds. "I wouldn't know. I’ve never seen her bare faced."
"Yes, you have." I correct him while closing my right eye to properly apply my mascara.
"No, I haven't."
"How about when Kari and I were roommates?"
"Never bothered to notice, she's not really my speed. No offense to Kari." I burst into laughter. Utter uncontrollable laughter. I hear him asking me what's so funny but I can't stop laughing long enough to answer. After a minute of this, I'm beginning to fear that I've finally snapped and lost it.
"What in the world is so funny?"
"Nothing…Nothing," I finally say, now able to regain control.
"No. Let me in on the joke," he persists angrily.
"It's really nothing," I tell him now composed. Reluctantly, he drops it, watching in silence as I finish my make-up.
Moments later, his mind begins to drift to her.
When we first met, when those smooth brown eyes looked at me for the first time, he appeared as if he just struck gold, following me around the whole night. I knew then that he was the man that I should marry. Before him I felt incapable of being loved. When most men discovered the incurable disorder called Leah they’d immediately initiate their exit strategy, but not Robert Cole. When he found out about my issues he didn't run. Instead, he persisted until he broke down my walls, slowly getting me to open up until I let him inside. Then his love acted like a defibrillator and jump started my heart.
"Hey gorgeous," he calls out playfully, obligating me to look back at him. "I love you."
My gaze holds a few seconds, taking a moment to study his eyes, to see if there's any truth in that statement. I just don't know anymore. Unable to return the empty words, unwilling to play the part tonight, all I can do is smile and say, "Thanks."
"Do you know what today is?" Robert asks.
"It’s our anniversary." He walks up behind me. I ignore the irritation nipping at my gut from having him so close.
"I don't think we can have an anniversary without being married."
"I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one Lee."
I prepare myself for it, but I still tense up when his arms come around my waist. We look at one another in the mirror. I make a half-hearted attempt at an excuse. "It’s my nerves. I have so much going on at work."
"It's alright Lee, I understand." He pulls me to him, and I have to fight the urge to pull away. The feel of his lips on my neck is almost sickening.
While applying my raspberry lipstick, I continue to watch him in the mirror. He's nervous. There's no hiding the worry in his eyes. It's been there all week. I already know what it is that he's hiding. Just when the heart fools you into thinking it can't hurt anymore, just when you believe you're finally numb to the pain, a stab pierces through and the ache is just as crippling as before.
Once upon a time I believed in faith. I believed in destiny and that Robert was part of mine. My promise of everything that I thought I could never have — my happily ever after. It was as if God looked down from heaven and saw my heartbreak, my pain, my loneliness, and sent me someone who would love me. Oh, if only I could stay in that fairy tale and build a life there. But I can't.
The truth is people say they love you just to see how well they can fake it. They work hard to gain your trust just to have the power to violate it. There is no rhyme or reason to life. There is no destiny. Our meeting was just chance — nothing supernatural, nothing sent from above. Robert works with one of my best friend's husband and he was invited to their annual Christmas party. I was Carol's roommate at Yale and maid of honor at her wedding, and also invited: no magic, no destiny, just life, circumstances, and probability. Two people came to the same party and met. He's attractive and successful, I'm easy to control, and here I am—miserable in a relationship that's kept glued together with deception and manipulation.
"You know I love you right?"
"You've already said that Robert."
"Maybe I want to say it again. It's a free world. A man can tell his girlfriend he loves her as many times as he wants."
I check my watch. It's five to. So I hurry and finish up my make-up. "We're going to be late. We should leave now." Unwrapping his arms from my waist, I head out of the bathroom. Following me into the living room he takes hold of my hand before I can reach the coat closet.
My resentment is veiled with a smile. "What's up hun?"
"Come here." He pulls me to him, another stomach-turning kiss on my neck and then my ears. "I need you tonight. Let's skip the party." He urges as his hands make their way down my back. I can feel his excitement. "I need to be with you tonight." His lips approach mine, I hold him off with a hand on the chest.
"My make-up sweetheart, I don't want to mess it up. We should go." Walking away from him, I grab my coat out of the closet and walk out the door without looking back.
On the ride to Carol's Robert doesn't say much. This is unlike him, but I don't complain. I appreciate the silence as I watch the snow hit the glass, sl
Everything in life is a presentation, an attempt to deceive and mislead. I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it all. I'm sick of New York, the people are so detached. I'm sick of my life and the living dysfunction that it has become. I can't live and die like this, in this.
I've been the perfect girlfriend. I've never confronted him for fear of losing him. Scared he wouldn't choose me. Why throw away five years? Why push them away? Why be alone? So I continue to play the part, pretending that our relationship is not a counterfeit, pretending not to notice the stolen glances when they think I'm not looking; or the awkwardness when we're all in a room together. I continue to pretend that it doesn't destroy me each time I see how they react to one another.
Everyone notices it. It's hard not to. Up to now I've always ignored it. Knowing that once he realizes how much it's destroying me, once he understands the soul depreciating damage that he has caused me, he'll definitely stop. He'll end it for sure, because he freaking loves me. The pain I've gone through these past years living with the feeling that she's got something that I don't, and is giving him something that I can't, has me feeling like I am less of a woman. How much longer can I live with this façade?
"We're here babe." Robert announces like I haven't been to Carol's house a million times before and can't realize it for myself. He searches for parking and finds a spot close to the front of the house. "Wait." He takes hold of my arm as I attempt to exit the car.
I turn to look at him and smile. "What?"
"I got you something."
"What do you mean why? Because I love you."
"I thought we weren't exchanging gifts until Christmas."
"This isn't a Christmas present it's an anniversary present." He looks at me for a second and his expression changes. "Don't look so happy about it."
"It's been five years and you've never given me an anniversary present before. Why are you giving me one now?" My anger is about to spill over. I quickly get it back under control. "I'm sorry. Thanks. It's very thoughtful. I just wish I had known we were giving presents so I would have gotten you something. "
"Just open it."
I take the small box from him. It's a pair of princess-cut diamond earrings with three beaded gold strings hanging down. They're gorgeous and very expensive, but Robert's faults never included tackiness or being cheap—his faults are far worse.
"They're beautiful. Are you ready to go in?"
He gives me a blank look. "Can I at least get a kiss?"
"I would hun, but I don't want to ruin my make-up. Thanks sweetheart. I love them." I close the box back and place it in the glove compartment.
"Aren't you going to put them on?"
"I would but the sapphire earrings that I am wearing go much better with my dress." By the insulted look on his face I can tell my unresponsiveness has chopped off a piece of his unkempt ego.
"Put them on," he insists.
"Fine, if it means that much to you."
After changing earrings we finally make it inside the party. Rihanna is blasting on the radio. The living room and hallways are packed with people dancing.
"Hey Leah. You finally made it." Carol walks over to us. "Hi Robert."
"I like your dress sexy mama." She's wearing a short red dress that flares right below the bust line, making room for her six month baby bump.
"Thanks, you look alright yourself."
"I'm going to make my rounds." Robert informs me and walks off before I can respond.
"You guys seem tense." Carol is always great at pointing out the obvious.
"We're not. Stop looking for gossip prego. Where's Kari?"
"In the kitchen, she's helping me out with the food."
"Let me go help." I squeeze through the thirty people cramped in the Brownstone, to get to the kitchen.
Kari is my sister in every way except for blood. Her personality is magnetic. She is just a blast to be around: confident, fun, and never afraid to just be herself. She's the type of person that goes out of her way to make you feel better and the kind of friend who makes your enemy her enemy. She has always been loyal.
Shortly after my father abandoned me and my mom, I was so angry. I felt powerless. Then Kari comes over one day and says, "Let's give the bitch what she deserves."
"What are you talking about?" I asked her confused.
"You'll see, just keep quiet."
She picked up the phone and dialed my father's office. Judith, my father's receptionist and soon to be wife picked up. I listened in horrified admiration as Kari convinced her that she was calling from her doctor's office and her last check-up showed that she had tested positive for HIV. Judith had a nervous breakdown. Weeping and screaming she cried out repeatedly, "I'm such a good person. Why is this happening to me?" Kari was so convincing she deserved an academy award, an Oscar, and an Emmy for that performance.
A year later when my mom became sick Kari came over every day with my class work, telling exaggerated but ridiculously humorous stories, making both of us laugh. I can’t ever repay her for those priceless smiles she brought to my mom's lips. I don't think I could have survived my childhood without her. She has always been there for me.
When I was in the hospital she was the only one who came to see me. My father refused to step foot in a psychiatric ward. I was an embarrassment to him. He wanted nothing to do with the situation or me.
Once my mom died Kari was the only family I had. The only time we have ever been apart was when I went away to college. Even then she was the only family that I had to come home to during the holidays. As a matter of fact since the age of eighteen we have spent every Christmas together.
She is the only person alive that knows all of my secrets. She knows the real me, yet she has never judged me, looked down at me or pitied me.
"Hey Leah," Kari says happily when I walk through the door.
"You seem very happy. When did you get here?"
"About an hour ago. Carol has been working me ever since.”
"What can I do to help?"
"Help? What? The ivy league princess wants to do manual labor?" she snickers. "No. Your majesty, please leave such things to us common folks."
"If you insist," I say jokingly and take a seat at the island. Kari turns to the oven and takes out the lasagna.
"Oh, I'm gonna need a ride home. Can you wait for me?"
"Sure. I'll have Robert drop you home after he drops me off." I wait for her response.
She looks at me then looks away. "Whatever."
"Are you feeling any better?"
"Yeah, but I'm not one hundred percent."
Halfheartedly, I play my part, faking concern. "What do you think it is? Did you go to the doctor?"
She begins to cut the lasagna into square pieces. "Not yet."
"You better go and make sure nothing's wrong with you."
I am so sick of playing these games.
There's the sound of footsteps coming towards the kitchen, the pace hurried and consistent. I know it’s Robert. To read the expression on his face when he enters the kitchen, I keep my eyes on the door.
"Leah?" He's taken off guard. "There you are. I was looking for you."
"Here I am. You found me," I say dryly.
"Hi," Kari answers back without taking her eyes off the lasagna.
"My boss is here come say hello."
"Give me a second. I'm talking to Kari," I tell him dismissively.
He walks out without another word.
"What's up with you guys?" she asks still being overly attentive with the lasagna, never looking me in the eyes.
"Everything is just peachy, but I am not as happy as you, seeing that you still can't get that smile off your face."
"I'm not smi
"Yes you are. Is Mr. X finally going to leave her for you?" I ask looking for her reaction.
"I don't know, maybe."
Mr. X is the name Carol and I use for Kari's already committed boyfriend. She refuses to tell us who he is. All that we know is that he is with someone else and Kari is his side thing, and has been for years.
"Maybe?" I laugh. "Well then, you should have a Merry Christmas."
"Don't laugh at me Leah, and don't act like you're better than me," she snaps.
"Ok. Tell me, when is this going to take place? Has he at least given you a date?"
"Did he say he was going to leave her or are you just guessing?"
"It's a bit more complicated than that."
"I'm sure it is." I soften my tone. "Look Kari, I'm just looking out for you. I mean don't you think it's a bit pathetic that an attractive woman like yourself has to go to every event alone like a reject because some idiot doesn't respect you enough to acknowledge you in public? Don't you get tired of always playing second? Everything is on his schedule. It's when he needs you and never when you need him - when he's available, when he has time. That's not love."
"You're being a real bitch tonight Leah. Don't judge me. Don't push me." The knife she is holding is shaking in her hand. She's seething. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I might catch a few and throw them right back at you, and break your perfectly fictitious world apart."
Amused, I tell her, "Hun, you take men too seriously, especially a man who's already with someone else. It's not like he's married to her, they don't even have kids together. He has no excuse for staying. If he really wanted to leave her, he would. It's that simple."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah, it is."
"Then I guess if Robert really wanted to marry you he would."
"Yeah," I tell her unmoved. "It's that simple. Which is why I'm not on his schedule, he's on mine."
"Don't be so sure of yourself Leah. Life might have a few surprises in store."
"Maybe, but Robert won't. Did I show you the earrings he got me for our anniversary?" As I model the earrings for her I can see the jealousy crushing her heart. "Nope. He's not going anywhere."
"Good for you princess."
"I have to go say hi to his boss. Love you," I tell her and head out to the party.